6 Lessons My Long-Distance Relationship Taught Me About Love In Lockdown

How we love in the 21st century is always transforming. From Tinder to Catfish, virtual dates to sexting, we’ve embraced digital love affairs wholeheartedly. But, this is the dawning of a new era, and our enforced move towards virtual-only love will be our most profound change of all.

With the Corona crisis, there comes an unforeseen side effect – we’re suddenly all in long-distance relationships. Our romantic lives, our friendships and our family connections have all been put on pause in a way we’ve never felt before. It can be a confusing, uneasy and downright difficult time adjusting to these changes – most of all with our partners. But that’s why this guide is here: to encourage you to hold out hope, to stick it out on this new terrain of your love and to guide you onto the right path for getting there.

I learnt the things I’ll be sharing with you the hard way, and over a number of years. You won’t be stuck inside for quite that long, thankfully, but I hope these lessons will have the positive impact on your relationship that they continue to have in mine. And I promise you – from nearly three years down the line – things do get easier. Why hold out for your fairytale forever to resume just on the other side of lockdown, when you could begin your next chapter right now?

Lesson #1: Embrace your new normal.

It’s easier said than done, learning to love spending time apart. While this wall of distance can feel insurmountable, both of you reeling from a re-writing of your reality and a drought of physical touch, it’s not a change you can’t wholeheartedly embrace.

Reaching out and confidently grabbing this new way of life with both hands will truly make it feel like a best-case scenario, and not just the bitch of a situation keeping you from being together. It can be hard, but limiting your focus on what you’re missing out on, by focusing instead on the here and now, will do wonders for your headspace on this journey. There are so many moments full of life and love waiting to be lived in front of you, and you won’t ever regret not letting them pass you both by.

It’s a cliché, but hear me out on this one – it’s time to find beauty in the everyday things. The sound of your partner’s voice at they tell you about their stressful day working from home, or the sight of their crinkle-eyed laughter across a tiny screen. There’s a gentle beauty in all of it, and it’s in this subtle sense of normalcy that you’ll find your happiness and an undercurrent of comfort are laced together. In a few years’ time, it won’t be the singular moments of grief that stand out in our memories, but the moments of all-encompassing joy that burst our despairing bubbles that we’ll hold onto.

Lesson #2: Rebuild traditions.

It may feel as though all your romantic habits and practices have long gone out the window, but there are ways to can keep your date night traditions alive. All you have to do is adapt them.

Whether you’re only able to be with them from afar, following the new social distancing measures, or trying to recreate your in-person vibe through a video call, there are plenty of swaps to make to keep your relationship feeling fun. Instead of dinner dining out, try making the same meal to have together or ordering a takeaway from the same chain. Change up your usual by swapping cinema dates for simultaneous movie watching, where all you need is a device to call on and another screen to watch from (perhaps try one of our recommendations!). These new traditions might not feel exactly the same as your old ones, but that’s the whole point of having them. Trying something you never thought you would might surprise you, and get you both giggling over your glasses of wine again in no time.

Lesson #3: Learn your lover, inside and out.

Building a relationship in-person, rather than over the phone, can sometimes come with a subtle drawback – a lack of deep introspection on yours and your partner’s relationship styles. With the joy of late night meetups, lunches out and Netflix and chilling during your time together, this type of learning can easily slip past our radar. But being physically apart definitely encourages a new kind of mental intimacy. Why not use this time to learn all about who your partner is as a partner, and why they are the way they are?

Starting with love languages, you’ll be shown so much about the person you share yourself with by identifying these. There are five main types of love language, each one describing the way a person likes to give and receive love. Learning which of these meets your partner’s needs best makes it easy to build affirming behaviours into the fabric of your future together. Attachment styles are your next big topic, teaching you the way your partner forms connections with those they love also. Identifying all these things may sound hard, but all it’ll take is a quick Google and a couple of online quizzes to tell you which styles you match with most. From there, you can better align your actions with your partner’s desired declarations of love, and they learn how best to show up for you too. Implementing this learning can truly improve your connection, and help you best understand where your partner comes from in all that they do.

Lesson #4: Make self-care your new bae.

Self-care comes in so many forms when you’re building a relationship with your partner over the phone. Even in the best long distance relationships, both parties will always need some time alone to recharge and reset for their own mental health. There’s a lot of strain that comes with being committed to someone from afar, but there’s oh so much love there too. We couldn’t do it without that love, and us veterans know the importance of sharing that unconditional love with ourselves through the process too.

From the occasional digital detox (trust me, letting go of your newfound obsession with read receipts will do you the world of good) to applying your third fix-all face mask of the day, there’s so much respecting your mind’s boundaries will do for your relationship. Make time to see your friends, spend the night with your family and get your typical real world balancing act back in order. Remember, it’s okay to feel your feelings – have a cry, scream a little or just get lost in your own thoughts for a little if you need to. This is no one’s perfect situation, and you’re not less of a partner or person for struggling with it.

It’s always best to make self-care the third wheel in your relationship, all while encouraging your partner to see it just the same.

Lesson #5: The art of techno-intimacy.

Some of us may be sitting around with the lowest sex drive of our lives (thanks, never-ending anxiety!) while others seem to be experiencing potentially their highest. Lockdown is playing havoc with all our wants and needs, and the area of intimacy is one of the most affected by far. I say, there’s nothing more liberating than taking back control of our love lives, and our sex lives. Maybe it’s time to become sexting savvy, and embrace this digital way of getting it on.

While there’s nothing welcome about the spontaneous (and very much unsolicited) dick pics we often receive online, you can almost certainly bet your partner would welcome a sultry snap or cheeky text from you. Getting up the courage to partake, only if you’re both happily consenting and feel safe to do so, can feel daunting; try to remember it’s not too different from the way we look for intimacy in person too. It’s still all about the need to be close, all about your pleasure as a pair, and I’d argue that verbally and visually recognising this want from a physical distance can sometimes feel even more intimate than actual foreplay.

And while catching up on sex is great, faux-intimacy is needed in a long-distance relationship in many different ways. Blowing each other a kiss from miles apart, faking cuddles by snuggling up to a phone screen and using apps or bracelets to transmit touch across oceans will all add up to the both of you feeling more like yourselves again.

Lesson #6: Hold on to – and out for – the positives.

Every day that passes is a day closer to the world being safer, to families being pieced back together and to finally experiencing the feel of your lover’s arms tucked tight around you again. Every night that you fall asleep on FaceTime is one sleep closer to waking up next to them again. Holding onto these thoughts will sometimes be the only thing that keeps you fighting, and there’s no shame in that.

Looking at this whole experience from an angle of positivity will shape the course of your relationship to come. Of course, you’ll have bad days, but the good will normally always outweigh them. Hopefully you’re both happy, healthy and have each other to hold onto in these difficult times – even if that holding’s just metaphorical for now.