Humpday: When The Mind Wanders Outside Of The Bedroom

A recent conversation with friends on a drunken night out turned into a competition of ‘Which One of Us Has Thought the Weirdest Thing During Sex’. Here were some of our top :

'What if we were to do this inside a fridge?'

'I genuinely think if I fart now there might be a problem. Should I stop and go to the toilet? Would that be weird?'

'Can men feel hairy legs through their own hairy legs?'

'I think I just hit him with my belly fat, did he notice?'

'Is he keeping his socks on? Oh, that reminds me, I need to buy some new socks. And tights. They've all got ladders in them...'

'My phone is buzzing. Should I pick it up?'

'Must add cucumbers to my shopping list.'

'What day did I say I'd take Nan to bingo?'

'I wonder what time the Post Office shuts tomorrow?'

Like we do frequently when having sex, you yourself may find yourself thinking about grocery shopping, or getting distracted by the cobwebs on the ceiling (because how hard is it to dust round before you have company?). It’s frustratingly hard to turn our brains off when we’re being intimate, even though we all know how much better sex is when we’re mentally present. I mean there's nothing worse than thinking about your parents visiting the next day when there’s a tongue in places where there shouldn’t normally be.

However, it becomes a problem when your sexual partner starts to notice that you're distracted. Does it mean that you aren’t attracted to them anymore? Or that the sex is boring? In some cases yes, but more often than not, it's simply your mind going into overdrive at the heightened sense of euphoria. For example, when I have sex, I start to think about what's happening, which reminds me of other times, and then a word sprouts a new idea through association, and next thing you know I’m thinking about zoo animals, or cake.

But instead of thinking about food (which I love as much as sex, by the way), I wanted to focus on what my partner was doing to me, because it still felt amazing. So I started telling myself a story in my head about what’s happening from moment to moment. It might sound something like, 'Now he’s running his hand up my thigh... Now he's doing this...', but this actually focused my brain on the present rather than anything else. It’s like writing your own erotica. I even ended up narrating my body’s reactions to the events at hand, which helped me tune into the sensation even more, like 'I’m feeling my breath start to quicken… My skin feels like it’s tingling in anticipation.'

It’s totally okay to think about weird things during sex, heck perhaps some may inspire a new idea for something — and I fully endorse sex as a memory-jogger. But think of what an experience it would be if you directed your thoughts to sex, not just your body? Whether you end up writing the next (slightly better written) 50 Shades or just manage to make whatever your current sexual experience may be better in the moment, you might just find that giving self-narration a try might divert your attention away from the fact that you need to pick up some milk on your next trip to Tesco.

Your stories - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward - have continued to make our day, and every week, we want to hear YOUR stories. Send them via The Unedit's Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. Keep ‘em coming. (No pun intended.)

Happy Humpday.